Learning About Your Within Self

I’ve been learning about myself over the last couple of years, in a very philosophical type of way.  I mean, I already know who I am, what I like, what I’m good at and what I’m not, what I don’t love, what I’m willing to tolerate, and on and on.  But the last couple of years of my life, more than any other, have been the hardest of my life.  There’s been a lot going on with my own health, and then there was the whole awful saga with my daughter over the last year and a half, where we couldn’t figure out why she was puking 25 times a day for months and months and months on end.

It would be trite to say it’s been a trying experience.  There isn’t any way, in any languages I know, to describe what my life has been like on the inside for the last couple of years.  So I won’t even try.  But what I will say is this:  as a result of my heart wrenching experiences, I know who I am within and without in a way that wouldn’t have been possible without suffering to the nth degree.  There’s something about realizing your worst fears, and then watching them play out all the way through, that makes tougher stuff of a human.  I won’t talk about cliches like, ‘that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, but I will say, we have cliches for a reason, which is that most of them are 100% true.

If you can get through the midnight of your life without letting it make you a bitter, angry, heartbroken person (and you will be no less brave or valiant if you are), there’s an indescribable, peaceful beauty on the other side.  And the only people who get to be on the other side with you are other people who’ve made it through their own personal hell and have chosen, (yes CHOSEN) to become purer, truer, happier people within.

Last weekend, my husband and I stole away from the kids for a few hours to go to a B.Y.U. choir concert, to change it up a little from our typical dinner and a movie date, and had a phenomenal time.  First of all, B.Y.U. is such an amazing resource of cultural awesome.  If you live near a university or college of any sort, take advantage, because often tickets to cultural events (I’m not talking about games, although we do those as well) are inexpensive and often incredibly rich in diversity and talent.

The concert itself was unbelievable, but we got the added bonus of checking out some exhibits on display in the B.Y.U. Harris Fine Arts Center.  I was struck in particular by some photos taken by a student named Linsey Ybarra of her time studying in India.  The photo above is a photo of her photo hanging in the H.F.A.C. and I was blown away, not only by how talented Lynsey is, but the way she experienced India, at least to me as an admirer of her work.  Her photo gallery was a carefully curated, beautifully moving exhibit with small descriptions under each photo, and the photo in this post, was my favorite.  Underneath the photo was this quote, which so perfectly encapsulates exactly what I’ve been struggling to articulate about learning within oneself, truly discovering who you are inside, in a deeply spiritual, philosophical way.  I’ll leave you with the quote, and the hope and love for you, if you’re struggling through your own dark night that you’ll choose to be the person you know is within, seeking to make your life the most peaceful place it can possibly be.