I’m no drama geek, but oh-my-eff, there was some serious crazy drama at last night’s Oscars. I don’t love watching the actual show as much as the red carpet and the sweet acceptance speeches, but only the very few genuine ones. And of course my favorite part is the eye language (it’s a thing, I just made it up) between couples on the carpet, and the dialogue (lip reading only) between the assistants and actors/actresses. Whoo, there was some drama there last night! Jennifer Lawrence’s assistant alone looked like she was two seconds from flop sweat the whole way down the
Alright, let’s jump right in.
Eddie Redmayne can do no wrong. I’m sorry, I just don’t even care about the weird slippers he’s wearing, or the fact that his hair is as immovable as that of a Ken doll. His follicular giftedness will come in handy when we pack our bags to run away together – we will totally share hair products.
Plus: his girlfriend is beautiful, he’s adorable (AND HE SINGS, ladies), smart, and generally humble and fantastic. And a little hot. Shut up, whatever. I love him.
Which takes me straight into the land of terrible dresses. Actually, Amy Adams’ dress was absolutely stunning but GIRLFRIEND WHERE IS YOUR COLOR? Honestly, the redheads disappointed all over the place at the Oscars. A little color never hurt anyone, did it Jessica Chastain?
See? With the red lipstick? It made everything better. Imagine if she had worn a red dress.
I’m so over the blah nude color business. Pack it up, we’re done here girls.
You made out with Eddie Redmayne! You probably call each other on the weekend. You should be trying to steal him away from his gorgeous girlfriend! Never mind, you look like a cracked-out grasshopper and you’re dull as a plastic knife, it will never work between you.
But here’s where I’m going to get all hypocritical: Jennifer Lawrence rrrrrrocked her blush pink gown. Her coloring is different than the redheaded stepsisters though, and the dress is far more interesting. Plus, Jennifer Lawrence gets a pass. At life. She’s a smart girl who doesn’t take herself too seriously, is terrifically gifted as an actress, and generally makes me feel better about life because of her continued awkwardness and normalcy.
Oh hello there Reese! You did get the memo about color! I’ll wait for your TPS report on the situation, but in the meantime thank you for representing your fellow pale blondies and redheads with a little boom. No really, thank you.
I have absolutely nothing but praise for Daniel Day Lewis and his wonderful wife. Aren’t they a stunning couple? His Oscars acceptance speech was my favorite, and the fact that he thanked his wife over and over and was so gracious about winning. I’m
kind of completely heartbroken Hugh Jackman didn’t win for Les Misérables, but if anyone else deserved the best actor award it was definitely Daniel. He’s incredibly gifted, isn’t he?
Alright, back to the drama. Kristen Stewart hasn’t hit her stride with style (will she ever?) and looked like she’d been roused from the dead to hobble around looking expressionless. That probably deserves an Oscar right there. (POSTURE ANYONE?)
Oh, Helena. Honey. If I could just get my hands on you for an hour.
Helena Bonham Carter is straight up crazy train, but she is unparalleled in her acting chops so I’m always just delighted to see what concoction ends up at awards shows. She’s not unlike a toddler in the throes of the superhero costume phase wherein they travel to preschool, the grocery store, story time, and bedtime in the same rumpled crazy bananas outfit for months on end. I wish it were just a phase, but no. See also posture issue notes for K-STEW above.
Quentin: I HAVE NO WORDS FOR YOU.
Jennifer. Hey babe, call me and we’ll do lunch next time I’m in L.A. Our kids can have a play-date and our boys can go surfing while we get a mani-pedi.
Jennifer Garner is my secret best friend, and as a bestie I wouldn’t hesitate to tell her which dress made her boobs look weird (I’m looking at YOU Anne Hathaway) but I don’t even need to, because even though she’s styled by
crazy-town USA the best in the business, she’s simply flawless, always.
Anne. Annie. Annalalannana-ding-dong. I love that you borrowed Gwenyth Paltrow’s dress from her Oscar winning year, it makes you seem more human. You’ve got a sample sized body so you can wear whatever you’d like, (please eat a bacon cheeseburger or three, you could use the weight) you knew you were going to win the Oscar, and you look like a little doe-eyed princess, but PLEASE. It’s was your night, you have access to the
craziest best stylist in California, WHY DID YOU NOT GO TO ANY OF YOUR FITTINGS?
And honey, call me. Let’s have a chat about training bras. (are your pointed fingers telling me your nipples are up? I already know, YOUR DRESS IS SEE-THRU.)
I do not possess the vocabulary to explain my love for Melissa McCarthy, I really don’t. I can’t tell you how much I love her in general, but I love her infinitely more for her new venture to create a plus-size clothing line that isn’t horrific.
But girlfriend, this dress. It’s terrible. You look like you’re playing dress up with sheets. Your hair and makeup are great though, love ya!
You guys, I’m sorry. We have to talk about Jen (and Ben) again for a second. I love them. I didn’t love him for a long, long, very very long time, and then came Jen. She has kind of transformed him and I love them. I love that they’re honest about marriage, I love the look she’s giving him right here, I loved her face when he won the Oscar for Argo, like she was holding back choking sobs. Talk about drama you guys, I had to reach for the tissues. Ben, don’t make me ugly cry by turning out to be so talented and sweet (and smart!).
They’re pretty legit.
What was your favorite? Did I hate the dresses you loved or love the ones you hated?
Charlize Theron, Amy Adams, Alicia Vikander. Eddie Redmayne, Adele, Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Garner Oscars 2013, Daniel Day Lewis, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried, Worst Dressed Oscars