7 tips for your vacation diet.

So I went on vacation. And gained at least eight pounds, of the non-muscle variety. I’ve made a lovely little list for you so you too can gain a full pant size while on your own summer vacation.

1. The first chance you get, find a Trader Joe’s and head to the frozen aisle. That would be the one in the middle. On the sides you will see all manner of treats. Go straight to the spot nearest the registers and you will see a one pound bar of Trader Joe’s milk chocolate with almonds. Buy a couple, you never know when you’ll need a second hit.

2. Next, head into the actual freezers. You’re looking for ice cream filled Mochi. You may choose from Mango, Chocolate, Strawberry, or Green Tea. May I recommend the Strawberry? I ate at least 3 little balls of powdery Mochi heaven so I know what I’m talking about.

3. Eat at In N’ Out at every turn. Be sure to get a cheeseburger {plain hamburgers are for pansies}, top it off with a large diet coke, some fries, and a strawberry shake. Trust me here, I know my In N’ Out.

If that doesn’t do it for you, eat enough chicken for a family of four, soaking in the most delicious gravy marinade you’ve ever eaten at Bistro Boudin. I mean honestly, that’s at least 10,000 calories right there.

4. Swing by a bakery or three. I really enjoyed the one on Cannery Row right by the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Eduardo was very nice and didn’t snicker {much} when I ordered a cream filled confection. And proceeded to eat it all by myself.

If that doesn’t suit you, go for the Creme Brulee at Boudin Bistro. This is not a plug. It is a public service announcement meant to help you. You need to go try this stuff. I cannot contain myself now just thinking of it.

And here’s the unjustifiable, sorry evidence of that fact.

I mean look at P, she’s hysterical in the corner trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. It’s called Nirvana P, look it up.

5. You’re going to need some sustenance while you’re doing all that exploring with your kids. I’d really recommend the chocolate covered espresso beans you can find at any coffee shop {or Trader Joe’s} along the way. The caffeine will also help your short term stamina; you can thank me later.

6. When the espresso beans and ice cream filled mochi run out, I would highly recommend a cupcake shop. While it is true that some cupcakes have a more buttery delicious frosting than others, I really can’t steer you wrong in this department. Find a cupcake. Make sure the ratio of frosting to cupcake is 4:1. Do not at any point share with your children. They don’t need the extra sugar.

7. While poolside at any one of the swanky hotels you occupy, be sure to order from the poolside menu. Just because you can. Because you know the next time you’re at a hotel with poolside service might be when you retire. Or die. Whichever comes first. Get nachos, extra cheese, and a piña colada, extra cream. Be sure to make slurpy sounds and say ‘oooh’ and ‘aaah’ as you eat, because the tanorexic women at the pool will give you the stink eye, and you want to make them understand how lovely it really is to eat.

Voila! You have now *magically* gained 8 pounds. Maybe 9. But I know you’ve stopped counting because every. darn. calorie. was. worth. it.