February 2010

The boys have left, all three of them, to take Dziadek {our Polish grandpa} back to California. It’s just me and Precocious all alone with the world at our fingertips. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

They left quite a mess in their wake, those boys. And for any of you who might feel a little jealous that I’m getting a renovated kitchen, that I get to travel all the time, and that I own a horse, I want you to do a little exercise with me.

Close your eyes.

I’m serious, do it. We’re going Zen. I want you to imagine you’re me for a little bit. Humor me here, we’re going to take a good, exhausting look inside my life.

I want you to invite your father-in-law, with whom you’re not super tight, to come live with you for a month. He’ll be sleeping across the hall from your bedroom, which has paper thin walls. He’s actually doing you the favor by being the nanny/slave labor for the kitchen project for a solid month, but this doesn’t take away from the fact that the two of you don’t really, uh, mesh.

Go speak at a conference in S.L.C. where you have various panic attacks, convincing Karey you are completely neurotic and not to be trusted in public, let alone with a microphone and a speaking badge.

Come home haggard, to a messy house.

Now, give your father-in-law, husband, and 5-year-old son sledgehammers and have them go to town on the kitchen. Literally.

Remember those appliances you’re getting? They show up at the door while your kitchen is a total and complete disaster. Shove your old appliances into the family room to make room for everything to get installed. Have the boys take all the cabinets down, take them into the garage, and start sanding. Now, you get to work painting the ceilings of your kitchen. Which are something like 20 feet tall and angled.

Good luck with that, it’s the best part.

Pack your bags, you’re heading to Nashville now.

What?

The kitchen is a mess, you can’t even find a suitcase, and there’s no clean laundry? You’re thrifty, figure something out.

You’re home from Nashville and guess what? The house is even worse than when you left. Also, your husband is working so it’s just you and your father-in-law chilling in the house all day. Get used to it.

P.S. you’re speaking in Houston next week, do you have your speaker panel put together? No? Oh girlfriend, game on. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, this is where the fun starts! You are a powerful, successful, modern day marvel, and if you can’t juggle it
all no one can.

{snicker, snort}

The boys are sawing, sanding, painting, hammering and yelling at each other {in Polish} all over the house. If you can’t hack it, go find somewhere to hide because they’ve dug in for the long haul. And they’re quite comfortable wearing Carhartt’s around the house, which mind you, is subarctic in temperature at this point. What’s all this nonsense about you needing to *work* up in your bedroom? How is “blogging” *work* anyway?

Okay, pack your bags again, it’s time to fly to Houston this time! Your bags never got unpacked from Nashville? Perfect, you’re set to go then.

I know you don’t have your panel together because the ladies you’re speaking with are all busy enough to be running small countries, but you’ll find the time somewhere, you’re amazing remember?

Wing your panel. You’re with rock stars, you can fly on their power through an entire hour onstage. Host a party in your room, meet and greet your pals all weekend, and fly home. You might be so tired it feels like you’re sleep-walking through waist high mud, but I believe in you.

Your father-in-law will pick you up from Marie’s house and you won’t see your husband for another day, but not to worry, the kids are so strung out on whatever Dziadek has been feeding them, they won’t even notice when you crash {fully clothed} on your bed.

The boys are gone and it’s just the two girls now. Three if you count the cat, which I do not. The dust has settled and there’s a lot of it, so put on your work gloves and get cleaning. The contents of the cupboards which have been sitting on the family room floor for a month? Those need to be sorted through, organized, sent off to the thrift store, or put back in the kitchen.

The ten work projects that have been simmering on the back burner for the last two months? It’s time to whip those out sweetheart, a lot of people are counting on you. And I believe in you. I know you can pull it all out of thin air and make it work because you are a modern day, miraculous, do-it-all-and-live-to-tell-about-it mother.

P.P.S. That race you’ve been pseudo-training for? It’s coming up and you really need to amp it up or you’ll be dragged across the finish line in a stretcher.

Now.

Open your eyes.

The next time you start to think I live a glamorous, pimped out, rock star, beautiful life? Step in and take a look around. It’ll make you so tired your head will spin.

Don’t worry, I carry a lot of Excedrin Migraine in my purse and I’m not afraid to share.

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